Hello there. It’s been a long time. I can’t even remember the last time I logged in. In short, things are good at 16 years out. We made it. We love and respect each other, we laugh and we cry, we talk. We are the best of friends growing old together day by day. 16 years out and I still feel lucky that he was willing to give me the chance to be the best version of myself (which includes him by my side).
What brings me here today is a little clarity on the collateral damage that happened on the way. My kids were just 6 and 9 on DDay. Old enough to know that we were fighting a lot, but young enough that I hoped they would be resilient and come out ok. It’s always been referred to as the time of "the big fight" when my kids would bring it up. We never went into details. We just let them know that mom and dad loved them and we were working hard to be better at our marriage and be better parents. They knew we went to therapy. They knew their dad stopped drinking during that time and they knew he was often angry during those early years. They did not know that I was reason, which unfortunately led them to try to fill in blanks where they could.
My oldest, who is now 25 recently sent me a heartfelt and honest email. He had learned on a long drive with his dad about my affair. Again, no details, just that I was the reason for the fighting in our home. He has been doing great work with his own therapist these days and felt like he needed some answers. It turns out he has a remarkable memory for that time. He needed to understand what those memories meant. His words were eloquent but also clear about some of the anger he felt, primarily for holding resentment towards his father for thinking he was to blame. He gave me the opportunity to tell my side of the story, which I obliged.
Being a good mom had always been important to me. During my A I always told myself that I was still a good mom. After DDay I continued to think I was still a good mom. It took a long time for me to realize that during the affair and those early days of reconciliation I was not good mom. I was distracted, not present. I had become my top priority rather than them. I exposed them to toxic bx and trauma.
I always have wondered just how much the A was going to keep rippling through our lives. It turns out it had some lasting effects on my kids that I never wanted to anticipate. My youngest has BPD and I have wondered if the triggering trauma has been my A or the struggles through school and COVID. Maybe all the above?
Fortunately, both of my kids have seen the benefits of the work we have done. We have good communication and I think we are all stronger for it.
I am not a perfect mom. No one is. I have at times in my life been a terrible mom. What I think I am now is more humble mom. I have learned from my past and have actively apologized to both of my children for some of the wrongs in the past that have directly impacted them.
I’m sure I will make mistakes with them again. They are old enough and bright enough to call me out on them. I know that I love them enough that if I am the reason for their hurt, I want to rectify that.
I know many of you are still too new and raw to consider long term impact. Just keep in mind that those little ears can hear loud and clear. They have uncanny intuition and empathy. Do your best to be there for them in all the chaos.
