SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're right, the heart is a funny thing. I no longer miss XWH, but I sometimes miss the life I thought I had.

Sorry that your STBXWW raged at you. It's no fun.

Hang in there, it does get better.

I hope things are going okay for you and your children Twice, I'm kind of a lurker but I'm rooting for you, just haven't seen you post in awhile.

Bump by request.

Thanks Mods!

Time for an update. It's been a while, and it is amazing to me how fast this time goes, but I noticed an old private message from a member asking me how I was doing, so I felt like it was time to return.

My last posts were in January '24. I got laid off in February '24, in the midst of divorce. When I lost my job, all hell broke loose and I stopped updating here but thankfully, we all have the benefit of seeing that it turned out ok.

I got some severance, but lawyer fees were piling up. XW continued to be awful--handing kids off to grandma half the time so she could go party, date, go do music and pursue her music dreams, whatever. I continued paying child support as an act of goodwill (at my lawyer's suggestion) while I looked for a new job. But when I went into mediation in April '24, I still didn't have a job and my savings were drying up.

The night before mediation, STBXWW's lawyer sent over all her paperwork and documents... and I awoke at 5 am to my lawyer calling to say "you're never going to believe this, but she's coming for everything." Mediation was a traumatizing day. She demanded I sell the house, pay $1500/mo child support, an extra $1000/mo alimony, and she gets 60% of my 401k and all assets, and I give her an extra lump sum of $60,000 (which had already been given to her *as discussed with our lawyers* as a predistribution of assets to cover her living and business expenses in months prior, but she wanted it as extra on top of 60%). Among other things.

Everything about that was traumatizing. Despite the fact I was unemployed, the court finalized paperwork as if I made $145k a year, she made $35k (even though her small business had taken in $700,000 over the past 3 years), and forced me to sell the house. Yup, even though I was unemployed, she took the roof over her kids' heads, knowing I may not have anywhere else to go. And we settled on 50/50 custody. What I kept hearing from everyone in the mediation room was "how much have you paid in lawyer fees? Can you afford to go to trial? No you can't. You have to settle. TODAY." We settled at 53/47 division of assets in her favor, and I pay for the kids' insurance, and 75% of all other expenses. It really felt like she got to go sleep around with a ton of guys, run off with a ton of cash, and the courts just rewarded her extravagantly while calling me a deadbeat. Barf.

Anyhow. It honestly seemed like my lawyer stopped caring once I lost my job, knowing I couldn't pay much. I paid $35k in lawyer fees to get screwed like that, too. All on credit cards.

Phew. Ok, had to get that all off my chest.

Soooo fast forward. I'm ok! I really am ok. I'm still doing therapy a few times a month, and my therapist has pointed out that her going scorched earth actually was a blessing in disguise, as it broke whatever emotional connection I had. She started to disgust me. I got a new job in early summer of 2024, and it's awesome--flexible, the people are amazing, and there's a lot of opportunity for growth. It's a small place but they treat me like a human. I travel, which makes single parenting tough sometimes but I make it work with a decent support system.

I ended up selling our house to friends of ours, oddly enough. Under the table but market value. I still visit them sometimes, since their daughter is friends with mine. I actually moved into a house just 1/2 mile away, a few doors down from a house I lived from 2015 - 2021... the elderly gentleman there put his house up for sale, and when I saw it hit the market I talked to him about how I wanted to return to my old cul de sac. He agreed, for market value but under the table. XW must have felt some guilt because she ended up giving me 50% of the proceeds from our home sale instead of 47%, because I needed the extra to cover the down payment. Then just a few months ago, I filed paperwork (with no help from a lawyer) to revise our child support, and got it down to $1k a month and 50/50 expenses. She, predictably, makes far more money than she told the court, and I ended up making less at my new job. It wasn't contentious, she just agreed to it as a joint change (again, I think she knew how bad she screwed me).

My new (old?) neighborhood is great, and my kids go to the same school. The cul de sac is filled with their friends. And I'm actually now friends with the people who live in that house a few doors down I moved out of in 2021... so... there are weekends I'll actually spend time visiting in *2 different houses where I used to live.*

I've been dating someone stable and kind. XW got dumped by the guy she left me for, when he decided not to leave his girlfriend and kids (surprise surprise) but she's already moved a newer boyfriend into her house, so... I've been keeping a close eye on that with my kids. I'm continuing to document things, including a 2 week stint where XW left the kids with me the entire time because she had some kind of medical/nervous breakdown due to taking too much sketchy internet adderall. I expect someday they'll end up with me full time eventually, but I can't afford a battle yet. The kids are old enough now they ask to stay with me, and have their own struggles but I'm keeping their life stable, at least when they're with me.

Everything isn't perfect, and I still have emotional times. But I really feel like I went through a fire that would have killed some people... lost my job, my house, my wife, and my kids 50% of the time. And I came through it, landed on my feet, and am building a life how I want it, not subject to the whims of a serial cheater. I mean... I lived in 3 different houses in a 1 mile radius over a period of a few years, because she could never be content. That's madness. And I've ended up living right back in my old neighborhood. That alone tells me I'm better off without that kind of chaos and uncertainty in my life.

I know this was long. If anybody is reading, thank you, and hopefully I can provide some positivity and inspiration to others going through it. If I can survive this, you can too! We all can.

Wow! It sounds like you could write a book!

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids and they see you as the stable one. I'm glad you're documenting what is going on and may be able to use the info to adjust parental visitation.

Thanks for the update. Another positive outcome from the depths of hell so to speak.

Sad to see the D was so unfair and unfavorable to you given the circumstances. But glad things worked out for you in the end.

Wow Twice – sounds like you really got dragged through the streets, but came out standing proud!

Can I offer you one piece of advice?
Not many get a chance to change their lives, something this traumatic event offers you a chance to do. In a relatively short period of time you have gone through discovering infidelity, the effort of trying to save your family, a divorce, the divorce process, termination from a job... That’s a lot, and it would be a shame to not try to gain something from all this pain and effort.
I noted the legal cost and that it was all on credit-cards...

My suggestion is that you use this opportunity to really clean up your finances.
Go online and read about Dave Ramsey. I know there are other options, but I think he has nailed a relatively logical and easy to understand process that works. Now – with all the changes – might be the perfect time to make the changes that can get you out of debt and into financial security.

Just wrote this to another poster. A cliche but true. We are who we are so wherever she goes there she is.

My job can be demanding because I deal with chaotic families. I had a disordered parent who made my job that much harder. I knew I had to get a handle on it so driving through the countryside I let the beauty of it calm me down and this thought came to me….I am going to have good days and bad days but she is going to be herself every single day for the rest of her life. Use that when things get a little sideways.

I have actually thought about writing a book, because my life has taken some very bizarre twists and turns thus far. I may write my tale down at some point, even for the benefit of my own peace of mind, if not for my kids or anyone else... though a few years back I did find my grandmother's autobiography that she wrote, just so the rest of the family could understand her life and our family history. She passed in 2002 but I really enjoyed reading about her childhood in the 1920s and knowing what she went through.

One thing I've noticed, I’d been attached so long to someone who created chaos and trauma (and excitement) that it’s been a learning experience to figure out who I am now, who I want to be, and what level of excitement I want in my life. The woman I’ve been dating is wonderful, but we live 45 minutes away and each have kids in different school districts and I don’t want anything more serious—though she might eventually, and I’ll have to think about what to do then. For now I like my space. How much excitement is right? What's the happy medium? How do I want to live my life? I still have soul searching to do.

@Bigger, I have read Dave Ramsey! Honestly, I feel like my lawyers kind of did me a disservice also-—I’m sure I could have found cheaper ones but I did the best I could and it was hard to predict they’d start piling *so many hours* into what was a mediation that didn’t even go to trial. I hate having anything on my credit cards, but it was a necessary evil. I’m pretty good with money, but rebuilding my financial life is going to take some time, especially in this economy (my last house had 2.75% interest… now mine is at 6.75%. Oof).

@Cooley This is also good wisdom. I do have good days and bad days, but I often think… she has to be herself every day, and live with herself. I’m not sure if she’s NPD, Bipolar, or a mix of other comorbid things (I even thought BPD many years ago) so I don’t know if she’ll ever have a reckoning with who she really is, so to speak. She was just the maid of honor at her 66 year old aunt’s wedding last weekend. It’s her 7th wedding. Others in the family have pointed out that she seems to want to follow in that aunt’s footsteps, and they’re like 2 peas in a pod. Some people just won’t ever understand the destruction they leave in their wake.

In the US we have PDs in categories. It is my understanding that Europe just has one overriding term. In my job I have never found anyone who had just one personality disorder. They have a tendency to bleed into each other. A woman I know that had borderline also was very histrionic. A woman, whose friendship I finally had to get rid of, had, as far as I can tell, two or three. I just know that dealing with those people is exhausting and after a while you say I can’t do this anymore.

Some people just won’t ever understand the destruction they leave in their wake.

I just had a business partner split. Had I known the depths of the issues I would never have partnered up. Good news it was just a work relationship w/ no financial ties. Person owed me a few thousand that I probably won’t see but it’s ok by me.

Sadly too many people will never self reflect. They don’t "read the room" in the same way you or I might. It’s about the "victim mentality of blaming everyone else".

If you continue to get fired from almost every job, you might want to question why.

If every family gathering results in drama and chaos you might want to know why.

Everyone in my former partner’s life was a jerk, a problem, etc. Convinced that job performance didn’t matter - which is why I became dissatisfied.

I’m sending you can relate here Twice. Once you are no longer living in chaos - you will see that you can live a calm peaceful life and be very happy with the day to day. No walking on eggshells or thinking "what if" scenarios.

I stopped over eating due to stress after business relationship ended. Woo hoo!

Hope this helps you.

Good to hear you’re on the other side of it now and you’ve been able to moderate a small portion of the financial damage.

Sounds like your exWW has learned little from her latest round of infidelity, except maybe that she accepts this is how her life is going to be lived, and collateral damage is going to be left in her wake. It’s no small achievement that you are as insulated from her as you can be while sharing children.

TwiceWounded wrote;

She was just the maid of honor at her 66 year old aunt’s wedding last weekend.

A WS being a best man / maid of honor is really pretty funny. It could even go on TooTrusting's Stupid Picture Friday for a laugh.

Sounds like you are doing alright TwiceWounded. Peace.