SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First and foremost, I am very sorry we all have to be here, this is the worst combination of emotions I ever felt.

As a betrayed male, I feel the stigma associated with this, and in many cases the stronge, confident male figure was rarely modeled in some women's lives.

I wrote the following to my unfaithful spouse, so she may understand who I am, since she didn't want to see it:

" I accept the reality of my experience, the hurt, pain and sadness I am carrying around. I cannot let your choices control who I am or want to be. I am setting healthy boundaries for myself for a reason, only unhealthy people have difficulty dealing with boundaries.

I am fully capable of taking care of our kids, myself and you as needed. You need to work on how to get better to face your reality without negative emotions or harmful actions. I need to remain strong for the many people that rely on me to be there for them.

I am fully aware of what I want in a relationship, I am very compassionate, open minded and respectful. Also I feel respected by many, I always seek peace as I am a peaceful inside at least I try to be.

I trust my intuition to find safety when I feel betrayed by someone closest to me, I take my time to process my emotions and think about everything before making any decisions. I always do the best I can, and think I could've done better. I feel loved by many, and I love deeply back. I am strong and confident, yet sensitive and caring, I will find healing for myself as I am actively seeking it.

I know what I can give others who deserve it, and some who don't, I am worthy of the same back. I will handle what comes into my life, I will learn and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but everyday I want to be better than yesterday.

I reflect daily on myself, and the impact of my actions on others, and the impact of other's actions on me. I choose to experience kindness and compassion, not because the other person deserves it, but because I deserve to be the best I can be for those around me and myself.

I am thankful and grateful for all the blessings in my life, and all the challenges, pain and hurt I have to overcome. I know I am only human, but I will be the best I can be for myself, and my kids, and family around me.

I chose to be with you, loved you with all of my being the best I know how. For better or worse, supported you, cared for you, be better for you and us. I know I failed sometimes, but I always try again and apologize for my part. Even though you hurt me immensely, I remained myself, stood by you, pushed down my pain, devastation, sadness and loss, to care for you, when I knew you needed it.

I do not regret doing what's right in the most difficult and when I feel wronged in the situation. I have to know that I am doing myself proud before thinking otherwise. My love is deep, my will is strong and my mind is open and fair. hence why my hurt is always deep when betrayed.

I know I haven't been myself lately, and acted outside of my character, out of anger, loss, hurt, sadness, pain, love and many overwhelming emotions that attack my soul at the same time, all the time for that I apologize as your dishonesty erodes my trust.

I now see the worst of you, and what you are capable of, I am very confused about the person I loved and thought I knew. My trust and reality shattered. Yet I kept listening, supporting and helping you find a way to heal yourself. Hoping to see a glimmer of a sign of hope, understanding, empathy and meaningful change.

Things are more clear now for me, I don't feel stupid or fooled by you. I chose to be with you and trust you when you didn't deserve it, your choice to cheat is yours not mine.

I feel that I learned a very sad and hard lesson, and I must always move forward and become a better person than I was yesterday."

Hopefully some might find this helpful. You are not alone!

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're part of our club. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we recommend to new members. There are also some posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are helpful, including one on setting boundaries. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of resources.

You don't mention if your WW (wayward wife) has going NC (no contact) with the AP (affair partner). Have you asked for a written timeline with dates, activities (if you want to know), thoughts at the time, etc?

If you can IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful in working through the feelings. My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful in my healing path.

The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald may give her some insight into how you are feeling at this time. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirely Glass is helpful. She has a really good chapter that gives an analogy of setting boundaries called Windows & Walls. She discusses establishing windows within your relationship so you have transparency in your relationship. You establish walls with those outside of your M (marriage) because there are things that are nobody's business outside of your M.

Keep posting, and others should be along soon to chime in.

Even though you hurt me immensely, I remained myself, stood by you, pushed down my pain, devastation, sadness and loss, to care for you, when I knew you needed it.

My trust and reality shattered. Yet I kept listening, supporting and helping you find a way to heal yourself.

O1, very sad you had to find this place.

From what you’ve written above, I am very concerned you may be tempted to lead (drag?) your spouse through R (reconciliation). We all fully understand the impulse to care for and assist someone we love who is "down", yet this is a truly unique situation where you will actually do more harm than good if YOU try to lead a cheater to change. THAT ***NEVER*** WORKS. The absolute only way any cheater ever truly changed into a safe partner is when something deep inside them drives THEMSELVES to change. To do the deep work of introspection, radically honesty, taking full responsibility, NEVER blaming anyone else for their evil choices, and dig deep into how they gave themselves permission to betray their spouse in the worst way possible. To develop new coping mechanisms such that the next time there’s internal conflict in the M, she will communicate with you, instead of turning to another.

I suspect this will be very hard for you, and most of us men instinctively want to be a "fixer", but you simply must not serve that role here! Your only chance at true R, which I suspect you are desperate for, is to calmly inform your wife that this entire situation is all on her, and it’s 100% up to HER to do YEARS of hard work on internal change, and convincing you to stay in this M, with an attitude of true remorse (defined as being focused on how her choices impacted YOU, not just her), radical honesty, full disclosure, zero blame shifting, and accepting the natural consequences of her choices.

I truly hope you won’t need to learn the hard way. Above all, keep posting!

Hi, sorry you find yourself here. When you are ready to share, maybe a little bit more background on the affair, how you found out, etc, is your wife remorseful, transparent, ended all communication with AP?

I know I haven't been myself lately, and acted outside of my character, out of anger, loss, hurt, sadness, pain, love and many overwhelming emotions that attack my soul at the same time, all the time for that I apologize as your dishonesty erodes my trust.

^^^Your wife dropped an atomic bomb on your life, your life as you knew it has been blown to pieces, IMO the only way she will understand the trauma and destruction she caused is be witnessing the depth of your pain. IMO you don't need to apologize for the way you are processing the devastation she brought into your marriage.

When I found out about my husband's affair, for the first few months I was in shock, then the reality of what he did hit hard and I realized how his actions affected me, our family, his job, our finances, every aspect of our lives. I was ENRAGED, became a potty mouth, totally out of character but very normal.

Are you in any type of individual counseling? Are you sleeping, eating, exercising? Have you leaned on a trusted family member, friend, or member of the clergy if you are so inclined?

Just want to let you know you've been heard, while I think your letter comes from a place of honesty, your wife might not yet be able to absorb the truth of what she did.

[This message edited by annb at 3:45 PM, Sunday, May 25th]