SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Buckle up, it's a long story...

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married 3). We started dating when we were 17 and 18 and are now 29 and 30. In 2023, I was in a very low place mentally. I was 'self-medicating' with fast food and alcohol as well as pushing my husband away when he offered support as I didn't want to relive the trauma I was experiencing day-to-day at work. During this time, in my deep depression and shame spiral, I had a short-term affair with an ex (sex, twice). I compartmentalized what had happened and pushed it down, not telling anyone.

Shortly after, we moved interstate which came with its own issues and resentment. We lived interstate in 2024, away from our families, friends and support systems. This was incredibly challenging for both of us, but particularly me, as we moved for husband's job and I didn't particularly want to. In 2025, we were doing long distance. I moved back home, and he stayed interstate. This was the plan for one year, ready for him to move back in 2026, to start a family.

In April 2025, my husband saw videos/photos of my affair, in the deleted album, on my phone. Things blew up. He kicked me out of his parents house (where I'd been staying) and I moved back in with my parents (source of my childhood trauma, reason I didn't choose to live there when I moved back). He went back interstate and told me not to contact him for a month while he processed things. I didn't. He reached out a few times to ask for nitty gritty details, which I gave him. I lived in limbo from April-June with no contact (except for logistics - we have a house and a mortgage, and 2 dogs). He told me not to go interstate to see him, or our dogs, he dictated when we could speak and when he wanted silence, everything was on his terms. I did this, of course, so I should deal with his healing process however that looks. He asked me some questions via text and I responded with a letter that I had written him, explaining my past, how I got to that point, explaining what I'm doing in the present to heal, and explaining my hopes for the future. At no point did I make any excuses for what I did. I made some shitty choices, I owned them took responsibility for them, and am trying to heal from them. My letter was not well received as he was still sitting in 'denial' and 'anger'. I made commitments, including:
- Weekly therapy
• No alcohol
• Prioritising my physical health with a balanced diet, exercise, and sleep
• Rebuilding your trust in any way I can
• Repairing the damage I’ve caused
• Journaling, gratitude, and daily mindset work
• Working on self-forgiveness and letting go of shame
• Working towards accepting and loving myself first, validate myself and stop depending on
others for worth
• Prioritising our relationship, our dogs and our future
• Doing whatever it takes for a happy, healthy marriage
And I have stuck to these.

This is part of my letter, and explains a little about me:
The root of all of this, my huge issue and underlying problem is my need for external validation. I have
been this way for as long as I can remember, and it is at the root of all of my problems. I have zero selfesteem and self-worth, so I seek validation, acceptance and worthiness from others. This need for
external validation touches every part of my life:
• It comes out in my friendships, where I feel like I have to be the life of the party to be liked by
others.
• It comes out in my drinking, where I feel like no one will like me sober, so I drink to feel
confident and liked.
• It comes out in my need for male validation.
• It comes out in my work, where I feel like I have to over-achieve and be the best at everything,
so I get praise from others.
• It comes out in my inability to try new things, or receive feedback, as I don’t want to be seen as
less than capable, or perfect.
• It comes out in my house, where everything must look perfect and ‘OCD’, so that I have full
control over my space, and others can praise what I’ve created.
• It comes out in my gym/exercise habits and yoyo dieting, only doing it to look good in the short
term, never to actually make a di;erence to my health and wellbeing.
• It comes out in my relationship, where my love language is words of a+irmation, and I don’t
always feel loved if you doesn’t tell me to my face and validate me. As you know, this is
something we struggled with.
• It comes out in my relationship, again, where my attachment style is anxious attachment

None of the above will ever excuse the choices I made. I fucked up, badly, and I know that. I cannot go
back in time and change what happened. If I could, I would do things very differently. But I hope that
by explaining the scenario that I was in, and the headspace that I was in, maybe some sense can be
made from it (again, knowing that it does not make sense, and should not have happened at all). I
want you to know how deeply I’ve reflected, and how serious I am about doing the work to be better. I
have learned that I cannot dwell on the past. I have to accept that what happened, happened, and
move forward. I must work towards self-forgiveness.

This week, he has come here to visit his friends and family, and brought the dogs with him so I could see them. During this time, I reached out and asked if he was open to seeing a marriage counsellor while here, so we could discuss our next steps. He agreed. I thought this was a big step as previously, he had been against it. We saw the marriage counsellor 2 days ago and I felt we made progress. The marriage counsellor affirmed my reasoning for the affair (unresolved childhood trauma, issues with self-esteem and low self worth, self-medication with food and alcohol), he said that if it wasn't an affair, it would have been something else with the path that I was going down. During the session my husband said that he is still leaning towards divorce, but he wants to exhaust all options first.

After marriage counselling, we continued to talk only logistically about what we were doing with money, the dogs, our house, etc. The next day, we sat down to talk some more. We had some big discussions and he said that he was 60-70% leaning towards divorce, but wanted to exhaust all options before throwing in the towel. We have both booked in for individual sessions with the marriage counsellor. We are unsure of whether we book in another one together, this will depend on his choice.

During these big discussions, I asked him if he had been 'living as a single person' while we are "taking time apart/separated". He confessed that a week after he found out what I had done, he went to the bar with his friend from work, got drunk, and had sex with someone else. He stayed at her house and went home the next day. He told his parents and a friend what he had done, but they all accepted it as part of his healing process. When discussing it with me, he said that in his mind his life had just been turned upside down, his marriage was over or he didn't even have a marriage, and he was just doing whatever he could to make him feel alive. Not once did he ever tell me our marriage was over though, he told me he needed more time. He said that when he had sex with her, he did it because he was:

- in survival mode

- his mental health was low

- he didn't know how to manage what he was feeling.

I explained to him that these were all reasons that I explained my affair, but they weren't good enough when I said them, but they are when he says them?

I have today, called him out on that, saying that if you remove the emotion from it, he has cheated on me too. He understood this and has realised that his 'support people' did not necessarily support him best, by condoning what he did, and not calling him out on it.

I guess my question is - is there any chance of healing from this? He knows that I can and will forgive him. He is unsure if he can forgive me yet. We have 3 weeks until our individual sessions with the marriage counsellor and I need to figure out how to survive them.

I'm sure I've missed a lot - it's been a big 8 weeks!

[This message edited by idontevenknow13 at 7:06 AM, Thursday, June 5th]

Hi-

Yes there is always a chance. My husband had n affair that began 18 months after mine and lasted about her 18 months. We are happily reconciled and live a good life together.

I think it helps that you have made some big commitments to yourself and you see the need for these changes regardless of your marital outcome. This is a huge plus, for many reasons. Showing this perseverance means something.

Now it may not mean the outcome of the marriage will not be divorce but uou are putting forth your best foot forward and it’s truly all you can do. Your list is great, just know for him that won’t solve the pain of the trauma. But I am saying it’s great because these insights will help you build new patterns and if he sticks round some of those changes will be obvious.

This shit is so hard, and I know we’re the ones who caused it but often were the least prepared to deal with the fallout due to Avoidance, anxious attachment, lack of coping skills, etc. but a lot of this can be heals, learned, and adapted and you are doing it!

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:31 PM, Thursday, June 5th]

Thank you for your response.

At the moment I guess I'm struggling with:

- do I have any right to be upset that he slept with someone else, when this is what I did to him?

- did he do this out of drunkenness, desperation and poor mental health like he says, or did he do it as revenge?

- I feel angry that he chose to do this, given he knows exactly the hurt it caused, and did it anyway?

- do I just have to accept it and move forward, like I am asking of him?

It feels like he is pushing me away even further now that this has come to light. He said he hasn't felt this bad since he found out about my affair. I feel like he should, too, be seeking forgiveness from me. But he's pushing me further away as he confronts what he did. I feel like we gained some hope during our 3 days of conversation and our marriage counselling session, and have now taken 10 steps back.

I just feel very lost and like there's no hope for us, even though all I want is to be together.

[This message edited by idontevenknow13 at 3:06 AM, Friday, June 6th]

UPDATE:
Since I found out (3 days ago) that he had sex with someone else, my husband has been truth trickling for the past 3 days.

THURSDAY:
- admission that he had sex with someone else in April. Was drunk, regrets it.

FRIDAY:
- admission that he has told more people that he had sex with someone else, and also about my affair (despite our agreement not to) and they accepted it as "oh you were hurting because she did it to you, so it's okay". At this point he also stated that the more time he’s had to think about it, the more he’s realised that what we did is not the same, not even close, and that frankly, I don’t really have any right to be upset by it. He says that he did it because I put him there. He said that I put him in the hole and he did anything he could to pull him out of it. When asked if he felt bad for hurting me or that he should be sorry for it, he said to be honest, no. He said he felt justified in what he did because he was hurting, spiralling, and like his life was over. He said he did something that made him feel good and not as bad as he felt about himself, because of how I made him feel.

SATURDAY:
- admission that not only did he have sex with someone else in April, he also kissed someone else in May, 4 weeks later. His friends were there and saw him do it, and not one of them told him it wasn't okay.

I should add - not once in this entire time, has he told me we are over. He has only said we are having some time apart to focus on ourselves and what we want. I took this "time apart" to heal, improve, take accountability, work on myself etc. It appears that he took this "time apart" to act single.

I am now suspicious of his stories and feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. This entire time I have been upfront, honest and accountable. He has lied/omitted information every step of the way. He chose not to bring up either times he cheated on me (the sex in April and the kiss in May) in counselling, or even with me, he only told me when I directly asked him and pried the information out of him.

I genuinely feel you have every right to feel your authentic feelings. However, if he had what equals to a one night stands while you have been separated, I think he is right it’s not the same.

I would keep focusing on your recovery. Focus on your side of the street with taking accountability. If you keep pushing a narrative the two things are the same, it’s going to feel to him like you are deflecting. Two wrongs do not make a right.

He is not in a position to empathize with you right now. Your husband was traumatized by this. You lobbed a bomb into the relationship when it seemed stable and fine, and I do not think you have the same claims to make. He has seen the acts, that’s another aspect of his trauma that you are not dealing with. You haven’t said how long this went on or if there was emotional involvement?

So you will need to decide if your goal is to try and convince him that it’s the same thing, or if you want to just keep moving forward with showing the understanding that you did what you did, it caused him great trauma and pain. Where I read you as wanting him to feel like you are sort of, if not exactly, even.

That being said- if it gives you pause about trying to reconcile, that’s its own thing. You can decide whatever you want about the future of the relationship and have every right to do so. But if your goal is to reconcile, focus on the shots fired first and as that resolves, he is more likely to apologize for the way he has been messy in handling the aftermath.

In the end it’s really not about logically right or wrong when it comes to repairing what’s been lost. It’s more about assessing how we got here and working on the things that are within us to make us better and more reliable partners.

If reconciling is truly your goal I would make intentional efforts to repair the trust. I would say, look, can we get an agreement that both of us will not be talking to, flirting with, or h if any physical contact until we can work on things to see what can be done about our relationship first? And let’s get everything out in the table, no trickle truth from either of us.

Essentially close it off towards anymore damage. And acknowledge the situations are different, but that you still have feelings about it because it hurts because you still love him. If it’s true, state that you are committed to moving forward and becoming a better person and wife towards him. And walk the walk.

If you lead the charge, and this goes on consistently for a sustained period of time then I think he will be more able feel remorse over some of his actions as well. The fact you have seemed so willing and sure you can forgive shows the trauma is just not in the same space as his.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:30 PM, Sunday, June 8th]

Thank you for your response!

I'm on the path to learning that the only person I can control is myself, and the only healing journey I can control is my own. This is quite challenging - I'm a recovering control freak!!

I don't feel like I'm trying to equate the betrayals as equal or tit for tat, but I'm trying to gather my thoughts surrounding how he was able to do exactly what I did, twice, knowing the pain it caused him. Particularly as he says he did it because he had low self esteem and his mental health was suffering so he did what he could to feel better about himself. (which is exactly what I had said about the place I was in when I did it).

My other challenge is that we met with a marriage counsellor and he was happy to stay firmly put as the victim, and painted me as the sole villain, knowing that he had sex with someone else, and kissed someone else on two separate occasions, but did not bring this up.

He tells me that he feels his best when he pretends I do not exist. It is clear that he is not ready to face this head on (my infidelity or his), whereas I am confronting everything and being as open and honest as I possibly can.

I know I cannot make him heal faster, or push him in the right direction, it's just challenging when since DDay, I have:

Fully acknowledged the affair, taken accountability, and explained the emotional spiral I was in last year, shared a list of tangible commitments I made — for myself, for my healing, and for the future of our marriage. I’ve stayed committed to every single one:

•Weekly therapy

•No alcohol

•Prioritising physical health (diet, sleep, exercise)

•Rebuilding his trust in any way I can

•Repairing the damage I’ve caused

•Journaling, gratitude, daily mindset work

•Working on self-worth and self-forgiveness

•Letting go of shame

•Prioritising our relationship, dogs, and future

•Doing whatever it takes to have a happy, healthy marriage

I’ve stuck to all of these, without faltering once.

And he has:

•Set strict communication boundaries (no contact for a month, only logistics), but repeatedly broke them himself when he wanted information.

•Blocked my trip interstate and told me I couldn’t see the dogs — even when he wasn’t there.

•Controlled communication about the affair — deciding who we would tell, then breaking that agreement repeatedly and inconsistently:

- He’s told approximately 8 people, including 3 in our friendship group.

- He gave different versions of the story to each person.

•Maintained emotional control over all practical matters: finances, pets, house access, etc.

•Told me we were "taking time apart/separated for now" but was never clear on the status of our marriage.

- During this time, he had sex with someone in April, and kissed someone else in May.

•Continues to avoid full accountability — both emotionally and practically.

I accepted his control in the early stages because I understood he needed time and space to process what I had done. But now, it feels like I’m the only one doing the work - the only one in therapy, the only one actively trying to rebuild and heal. It feels like he is sabotaging the possibility of healing, and still gets to stay in the role of the victim, while I carry the full burden of both our pain.

[This message edited by idontevenknow13 at 7:23 AM, Tuesday, June 10th]

Well, it's official. Today he has officially told me he wants a divorce.

My husband asked for a divorce too. Yours may mean it, or he may be just trying to find some relief. I am going to address your last post still. Because I feel like he likely feels like you now want to focus on what he did while you were separated when what he needs most right now from you is accountability. I would like you to read "the things I had to accept" it’s a post by daddydom pinned to the top of this forum.

I think you have to realize that when you cheated, your marriage as you both knew it ended. That is something daddydom really explains well in that post. Whatever your husband did was likely out of feeling/believing you ended your marriage.

He had been willing to exhaust all resources before choosing divorce. And I think there is a chance he will again. In having the affair, you abandoned the marriage. The fact that the two of you went separate ways and he had intimate relations with someone else is unfortunate. But it’s as if you are getting him on a technicality that "you were still married". To him you weren’t. It was likely a trauma response on his side more than anything else.

Do I think that was morally right? No, probably not. But if you had not been separated after your cheating, do you think that would have happened?

Look, I am not saying you aren’t entitled to your feelings. However, if it is your position that you truly want to reconcile you need to see that you are scapegoating the aftermath of your affair to escape the fact you are the one who created this entire circumstance. Reconciling will require you setting this to the side, dealing with the initial affair first, getting stable from that, and then you can address your feelings more about that situation. It’s going to be an order of operations thing. You cheated first, that has to be addressed first.

I would tell him that while you accept his decision to divorce, it isn’t what you want to happen. That you know you need to take accountability for blowing up the marriage to start with, and you are willing to focus on that.

I think you likely cheated out of insecurity. And his actions afterwards have only added to that insecurity. Once you begin to take accountability, get the self awareness of how and why you did this, I think your questions above will come into focus.

I personally do not know if you can forgive him or let it go. I think this would be very different if he was pretending to reconcile with you (which is what happened in my circumstance) but it sounds very much like you were separated and low to no contact. There was no agreement made about anything. I think he very much views it as you ended the marriage by what you did, and now you keep making this your focus and he feels even more misunderstood, more sure you are not going to take accountability, and he does not want to go into a reconciliation feeling like you think the two of you are even.

I am not telling you not to divorce if that’s what you want, but if that is not what you want, I would advise you to let this stuff go and allow the two of you to work through the initial situation first. You are hurt, he is traumatized. It’s not the same.

My other challenge is that we met with a marriage counsellor and he was happy to stay firmly put as the victim, and painted me as the sole villain, knowing that he had sex with someone else, and kissed someone else on two separate occasions, but did not bring this up.

He is the victim.

I accepted his control in the early stages because I understood he needed time and space to process what I had done. But now, it feels like I’m the only one doing the work - the only one in therapy, the only one actively trying to rebuild and heal. It feels like he is sabotaging the possibility of healing, and still gets to stay in the role of the victim, while I carry the full burden of both our pain.

Correct. You are not the victim right now. Again, It’s an order of operations thing.

I am not saying you can’t have feelings about this. Painting what he did as cheating at the same level is likely the whole reason he is moving towards divorce. I agree he muddied the waters, but he is traumatized and you do not yet understand the trauma.

I would advise you to focus solely on what you did, why you did it (these reasons are internal to you- do not blame him or your marriage in any way), focus on your recovery in how you will build yourself as a safer partner. You have little control of the outcome but if you keep thinking like this it will lead to divorce.

Put yourself in his shoes, he thought everything is fine and then his eyes and mind were assaulted watching you do whatever it was with your ap on a video. This is deep trauma.

Most of what you wrote about the things he is doing/not doing are normal bs reactions and natural consequences of cheating. Except his sexual escapades with another, I do not think people should have an affair as a response to one. However, I think if someone cheats, and you are separated and not talking, then it was something the two of you failed to address as what the agreement really was. If nothing else there was ambiguity when he did it, not when you did.

It’s simply he can not move forward with you viewing the situation in the way you do. If you can get to higher ground and show him that you are going to do the work, eventually these conversations about how you feel about his reactions can take place. Put them away for now if you want to remain married.

What I read from you is you trying to shift the power dynamic back into your favor. This is betraying him further and it’s chasing him away. as the initial, it’s in your court to do more of the work right now. Your husband can not do that from his current state of trauma. Give him some time to heal before coming back to asking him for his accountability.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:54 PM, Friday, June 13th]

Thank you so much for your response. I've been sitting with a lot over the past week.

I have truly let my anger and disappointment for his actions, go. I've realised now that it doesn't matter. I just have to focus on myself.
I have read the post by DaddyDom many times, and know I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and honestly just sort my shit out.

When he asked for a divorce, we spoke on the phone. This is some of how that went, from my journalling:

Tonight, you called me to tell me it was over and that you want a divorce. You read me a letter that you’d written. It was heartbreaking to listen to, but I stayed strong and didn’t interrupt as you read. I let you speak and share what you had to say.

I can’t remember all of it, but essentially:

•You said that through talking with [marriage counsellor], you’d realised that what I did was not only a huge issue, but also part of a pattern of behaviour

•You said that you know my issues come from my childhood/personal struggles and you hope I am able to heal from these

•You realise that I’m working on myself, but it’s too late and the damage I’ve cause is irreparable

•You said that while a part of you will always love me, you’ve realised that you will never be able to trust me or see me the same way again

•You said you are sorry for dragging it out this long, but you needed all the time to see if there was any glimmer of hope for us, and you coming [interstate, with the dogs] was a part of that

•You said you wanted to be sure that you wouldn’t regret your decision. I said I wasn’t going to try and change your mind, but I feel like this is a bit of a grass is greener situation and that I’d hoped that you could see the work I am doing and at least want to try with me. You told me you’d weighed up your options and made your decision.

After you’d finished reading your letter, you said that you think it would be best to take a month before we start organising what we do with the dogs, house and money. I suggested that I don’t need a month as I’ve already been preparing for this for 8 weeks. You think you need a month.

We then went back and forth with a few texts and I sent him this letter:

[Name],

Losing you will be the biggest regret of my life. I will never truly forgive myself for hurting you so deeply, this was never my intention. If love was enough, we would have been able to survive this, based on my love alone.

I want to thank you for our twelve and a half years together. You have truly helped me grow up and have shaped me into the person I am today. The girl you met at 17 years old was an anxious, insecure mess. I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted to do with my life. I was a child, desperately trying to find her place in this world. I may still be anxious and insecure, but for over a decade, I knew my place was next to you. I knew that no matter what happened, I was at home with you. You were/are my soulmate and my best friend. My safe place, the person who knows me inside and out.

I will always cherish our good times, though looking back on them is hard, I appreciate being able to have enjoyed my life with you. You’ve helped me come out of my comfort zone and travel and see the world. You helped me gain confidence in myself when I didn’t have it in me, by helping me try new things, like the gym, running, watersports, skiing, etc. Though it’s the little things that I will miss the most:

•dot pointed list of personal things we did together/inside jokes etc.

I have seen you grow and achieve so much in your life. I am so proud of you and the person you are. You are ambitious, goal-oriented and driven. I know that once you set your mind on something, you will stop at nothing to achieve it.

For twelve years, you loved and accepted me, flaws and all, even when this was hard. You loved me throughout some of my darkest times, and I understand that this was no longer possible for you to continue doing. I have started my healing journey and I will continue to work on myself, to become someone I am proud of being.

I hope in time, you are able to heal too. I want nothing but the best for you. I will grieve the loss of our marriage, our friendships, our family, our future, our life with dogs and kids. It will kill me to see you achieve all of this with someone new, but I know I will eventually be strong enough to survive it.

I had hoped that you would find it in yourself to choose me, to choose us - even when things were at their worst. I hoped that when the pain softened and healing began, we’d find our way back to each other. That fighting for us would feel more worthwhile than walking away. I accept that you’ve made your decision to divorce, though it’s not what I want. I won’t stop believing that our love was worth fighting for - and still is. But I also understand that, right now, loving you means letting you go.

All my love, always,

[Name]

He responded and said "thanks for the letter. I found it hard very emotional and hard to read, but I am glad you sent it. I really appreciate your comments about helping you grow. I also want to let you know that outside of the behaviours that have hurt me, I am also proud of how you have grown over the years. I hope you can continue to heal and continue growing despite me not being as big a part of your life. I really do care about you, and I truly hope that we can take our next steps with each others best interests at heart."

[This message edited by idontevenknow13 at 9:51 AM, Saturday, June 14th]