AP reaching out - deciding on a response

It's been nearly 2 years since DDay. My WS and I have been through a ton of individual therapy and couples therapy. Our marriage looks completely different than it ever has before. We're different people and we're happy.

It felt like that chapter of our lives was finally closing. My conditions to try again were all fulfilled. He left his job early on (AP was coworker), worked on himself and our relationship, and recently traded in his vehicle (used during the affair).

We've been talking about possibly moving, working on shared goals, and are finally a team.

My triggers, intrusive thoughts, and ruminations have gone down tremendously. Anytime they arise, my spouse is quickly there to support through.

The AP must have sensed it. She began reaching out this morning. She sent one message per hour as he would not respond. She starting with a greeting > then telling him that she never stopped thinking about him > then she didn't want anything but a distraction > then asking why he didn't want to speak to her.

My WS followed our plan to not respond alone and be transparent as soon as we were together in person.

The question now is how to respond. Do we leave no response and simply block her? Does he need to be bluntly clear again that he doesn't want to be involved? Should the response come from me (I've never confronted her)? I also wonder if her partner knows anything about the affair.

My WS has also been paranoid that she has passed by our house to see his vehicle gone and that may have been the trigger to reach out.

No matter the why, how do you deal with someone like this?

5 comments posted: Wednesday, October 14th, 2026

Yesterday was our anniversary

Yesterday was the anniversary of us becoming a couple. 8 years together. Dday was not long ago on December 7th. At this point, I'm feeling the walls that I've put up between us. I know that they are to protect me emotionally from someone who hurt me. In a lot of ways, I feel closer to my husband and more vulnerable. We're sharing things we never had before. We're open and honest and putting in the work. However, I can feel myself not letting his love touch my heart

He had planned a wonderful date for our anniversary. He combined elements from things we did when we were dating and added a lot of romance. Unfortunately, I feel pretty numb to the experience. Sometimes, I feel defensive and don't want to share my day or a joke with him. I feel pretty numb to him in general. Every once in a while, he will grab my hand unexpectedly and I will feel my heart flutter before everything shuts down inside. This hurts me deeply.
I'm trying to stay open and let my walls down more.

On Dday, I removed all of our photos and paintings we did together from the walls. I couldn't look at them. Logically, I believed that a 6 month affair shouldn't taint a memory from years before but it did.

Yesterday, I decided that I wanted to put in effort and make the conscious decision to move forward. I decided to put our photos and paintings back up. They are completely rearranged at this point. I needed them to be different after knowing the affair partner was in my home.

When I was finished, I laughed at how it reminded me of our marriage. It wasn't the same but that was okay, it could still be good.

It was my anniversary gift to my husband. He cried when he came home and saw everything back up. I finally put a photo of us on my phone screen as well despite feeling resistance from myself. And after reading through old cards we had written each other, I can feel myself on the edge. I can feel myself ready to feel his love or maybe fall more in love with him (I'm not sure) but I get pulled back just enough to not fall in.

Thank you all for your stories. I do have hope for the future.

0 comment posted: Tuesday, February 18th, 2025