Newest Member: HurtinVa63

FogAndFire

Am I prolonging the inevitable?

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years. We have both a newborn and a young child.

3 months ago - At 7 months pregnant - I happened upon a heart wrenching conversation via FB messenger with his female coworker. I was completely shocked and utterly heartbroken by the content. I didnt know what to do. My nature isn't to jump to conclusions, so I stayed silent till I had time to really think it through. After a few days of reflection, I decided instead of confronting him, I was going to take time to understand the severity of the situation. I've since (shamefully? I dunno, I question if I should be doing this) check his messages constantly. So far, it doesn’t seem to have gotten physical, but the flirting, suggestive jokes, and emotional connection between them are undeniable. He deletes messages methodically, but I see them without him knowing. He knows that boundaries are being crossed. Still, on the surface, he’s affectionate, helpful around the house, and keeps up our sex life. It’s so confusing. I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to reconcile these two versions of him.

And even after all this, I still love him. It sickens me, but how does one just stop their emotional connection with someone after being together for nearly half of their life.
I cannot tell close family or friends. I do not want them to hate him because I dont hate him. I can't hate the father of my children; the person I have dedicated so much of my life to, despite the clear lack of respect to myself and our marriage on his part.

I know he loves me. He loves me for my emotional, physical, financial support. I keep house, I am the mother to his kids, I am his support system. I know I am still his best friend. But, I'm no longer exciting to him. This coworker is exciting; she sparks the flame that I don't anymore.

Right now, I’m too scared to confront him. He can have a temper at times, and could turn this on me (ie, why would I check his messages, thats private, how dare I invade his privacy, etc).
Am I really scared of his reaction of confronting given the evidence I already have? Or, am I scared that I have to face what could be the demise of our 15+ year relationship? That's the question. I’ve been quietly collecting what I can, hoping for something undeniable - something so grandiose he cant argue. But I keep wondering if I am just dragging out the inevitable? Is it worth waiting for more "proof," or am I just hurting myself by staying silent? I keep telling myself once I see that "undeniable text" or have proof he physically cheated, then I'll be strong enough to confront him.

I’d really appreciate any insight. I feel completely alone.

5 comments posted: Saturday, August 2nd, 2025

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