SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, so a year has passed since I found out that WS had been having sexual conversations with many, many other women. It’s been a year since I have found out that this has been going on almost our entire 16 year relationship. However it’s been nine months since I found logs of conversations that spanned months and four months since I found logs that spanned years. He had two major relationships that I could tell.
One lasting about 5 years and the other lasting about 4ish. I do not have access to even look earlier on because those laptops are gone.

My WS is in IC for sex addiction, online. It’s not what you think though. He never shared photos or identifying information about himself. He was all about being anonymous. As a gamer he leaned into virtual sex/porn games and a platform that was world wide for him to live in outside out real life. That’s just a small recap of that situation.

Where I am…WS has never told me any truths that I didn’t find backing him into a corner to tell me or just to realize I know what he has done. He lied when we ended our separation and came home, knowing I didn’t have the full picture. He lied when I found the first set of logs, because my gut told me there was more I didn’t know. He lied when he said "now you know everything" after I confronted him about those logs. I had to find his big, recent file that would contain him crossing the line into the real world and using sex toys over the internet with his online girlfriends.

Lie after lie…and on top of the sex stuff within these sex laden conversations with these long term connections…he told these people that he: loved them, cherished them, missed them…and everything under that sun. Only to tell me that meant nothing and was just a game…that he perpetuated over years…? I think he is also lying to himself. I am angry, and done giving his any grace…I want true accountability, not forced because it’s what happened.

I’m starting to approach the feeling we may not make it. And it’s only been a year. Anyone else feel like this? Thoughts?

Thank you.

Don’t fixate on what he said to them.

He’s been lying to you; he would certainly lie to them, to keep getting what he wanted.

That can be so hard to do but I will try. Thank you!

If it’s been a year and he isn’t putting in the effort to repair your relationship— and I would say that admitting to only the bare minimum of what you can prove after being backed into a corner qualifies— then you have no reason to expect that any meaningful change will happen a year from now, or 2, or 3, etc.

@bluerthanblue he is doing work but it feels like I have to lead it. But I am done with that. After our last therapy appointment he said he is going to work on all the points I said I needed from him. He is going to take my concerns about some crazy stuff to his IC…I hope he shows some improvement but I feel like I’m on the edge where if he doesn’t follow through and start taking more ownership, I won’t be able to stay.

But I am starting to hate this back and forth. He is giving me a little hope by saying he is going to do this, and it will be the biggest let down if he doesn’t follow through. I was disappointed he didn’t really complete the last assignment from our previous appointment. He said he through a lot about it. I wrote it down twice because I wasn’t sure if I got it…just feels like he didn’t set aside time to complete this, ya know.

I appreciate the feedback. I need to hear some harsh truths to keep me grounded.