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Im sure many of you have been in this situation and i just need support and to rant. Its something that causes such an impact in the wider picture when AP is a work colleague or has mutual friends and is something that has affected me hugely reconciling with my WH and my anxiety, worrying about people talking and the problem it causes 😔

So WH work collegues - some of them are my friends aswell as WHs and they are really lovely. The issue is some - not all- also get on with AP 🙄🙄😔

There has been some socials with them over the last few months where ive said no to WH going for obvious reasons as AP there. Im pretty sure some of them have got wind something has gone on and also my anxiety about her saying things about me has been sky high. Its awful 😞 I also hate that she is friends with our mutual friends which I cannot change.😞😞😞

People have been asking why hes not been going to any socials as he always always did before - so it makes it more awkward.

More recently WH has celebrated a big birthday and we invited a fair few of them but obviously no invite for her - he also didn't ask some others and people have been talking at work asking why certain people werent invited and shes likely been shit stirring. Saying I dont like her etc. Im still sure he talks to her at work as per my last post aswell but still had no proof.

Its just caused a huge problem and causes me a lot of pain and anxiety and WH dosent get it one bit. His attitude with it is "let them talk" etc. Recently i have got closer to one of them and I may say something myself about AP to make me feel better. This is someone who dosent know her well but who really gets on with us.

Two of them who he is closest to he has told them and admitted what hes done and they were very supportive especially towards me and told him hes an idiot - but the whole situation is a pain in the backside!!!! Sorry I just needed to get it out.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? Even if he left the job it wouldn't change the same kind of thing. It just makes me so angry that he caused all this extra worry and stress getting involved with her!!!! Rant over xx

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 4:37 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

My WW stayed with the company she and AP worked for.

I went to many social events, AP was never present, but I felt like every one in the room was snickering at me.

If your husband told two coworkers the truth, that has gotten around. Probably all you can hope for.

Best wishes.

So WH work collegues - some of them are my friends aswell as WHs and they are really lovely. The issue is some - not all- also get on with AP 🙄🙄😔

I bet that they caught wind of it and are curious how she is in bed.

Look if a friend of you sees you hurt, they drop the other person, not keep her as a friend.
That should tell you exactly how solid this "friendship" is towards you.

Guys talk, there is a non zero chance they heard how she is in bed, and that she is easy enough to accommodate a married man, so some of those guys might want to take turns.

Being together at work. Huge red flag.
That's where the affair started. If your husband was truly remorseful for the betrayal he'd be changing job immediately.

No work wife, only the real wife.

If my friend was betrayed, and the AP is another friend, I'd be ending the friendship immediately.
Because you are my friend.

It's so basic that is odd to explain.

You have all the rights to rant, I hope you are watchful

Thank you both for replying the affair was an EA and sexting nothing more but ive no proof.

The friends he opened up to are really lovely people one was particularly supportive.

Definitely some of the other men there will be gossiping about what's gone on for sure. It really hurts me the thought of it and it has caused a lot of arguments and anger and anxiety with trying to reconcile.

Shes definitely the stirring type aswell and been likely playing the victim blaming my WH for it all when it was her too. She pursued my husband and some colleagues were even joking about it this time last year . Mate poaching type.And he fell into her trap.

I think some of them know what shes like for sure

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 7:31 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

I’d suggest your H needs and MUST find a new job. Immediately!

People will talk about you no matter what. Find some new friends and a different social circle. It will take time but you need to establish a relationship with people you can trust AND who are not connected to the OW or this job network.

I’m so sorry for you. This is the part of life the cheaters never anticipated.

Thank you both for replying the affair was an EA and sexting nothing more but ive no proof.

Maybe, but they are the same thing.
It just mean they did not manage to craft a chance for sex, I would still check for STD just to be safe.

It will take time to be able to trust a liar once again (if ever)

1stwife we have talked about this - and his job is so well paid the best hes had and we are really struggling financially, and we have good friends there so its hard.

We decided as long as he totally cuts her off he could stay.

Ive still got no proof of anything else going on though apart from my anxiety and a couple of suspicions and when ive looked on his phone hes ignoring her in that group chat and shes blocked on everything (WhatsApp dosent block a contact in group chats and its a work one)

I do wish he had taken it upon himself to find somewhere else though back in summer because a lot of my anxiety still wouldn't be going on

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 7:36 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

It wasn't work related, but AP and OBS were family friends in a small community. We were all also triathletes, in an even smaller tight knit local group.

That caused so many run ins that I still get anxious going to certain places, fearful that I'll run into OW again. It's been nearly 7 years.

I don't begrudge OW friends....I'm just not going to be one of them.

Most of the tri community who are friends of mine....know about the A. I don't care who else knows. In fact, I enlisted them to help me avoid run-ins. That may be worth a try for you. There have been many social events, group chats, from that community that AP and I were both a part of. It is such a small community and so many people knew, that in a weird way I felt a little better....knowing those people who were supportive of me would possibly see if something further A related was going on. It was as if I had people watching FWH for me. Honestly, I told so many people early in the process, I'm SURE they talked. I'm sure OW was pot stirring about me. She and her new partner used to follow me around events/races. I'm sure she probably thinks FWH stayed because I'm evil. I don't care what she thinks of me. Karma comes for us all in our own way. I'll let the universe sort her out.

Ladybugmaam thank you. I am definitely going to be trying this regarding enlisting a couple of them to help me and keep an eye on things.

Sorry this has happened to you too. His OW is 10000% a pot stirrer no doubt about it.

She even downplayed it all and messaged me in August telling me to grow up over a "friendship "

Funny kind of friendship isnt it exposing your boob's to my husband in photo texts, all over him daily in texts and mate poaching him

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 8:32 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Ow in my case wanted to recover our friendship, as well. Hard pass.

Chances are everyone knows anyway.

My H had an A with a coworker, no sex or oral (confirmed with a polygraph) kissing and touching. My H was terrified of everyone at work finding out, he was so desperate to keep his reputation of good family man that it allowed the A to continue. When he stopped his A he was relieved that he’d managed to escape her, keep his family and his reputation in tact, or so he thought.

He confessed to his A along with a whole bag of other garbage 3 years later, I came across her TikTok account and BAM! a whole entire catalog of biopics of her obsession for him, including digs at him, me and our son. Most had comments or emojis on from his colleagues, they all knew. My husband knew nothing of her channel, her socials and was not friends or following her, yes he was that dumb. His face when he was faced with the humiliation of these videos with comments from his colleagues was priceless. He thought his little secret was safe.

Everyone knows, people are not stupid.
He needs a new job and you need a polygraph.

Bruce123, your post reminded me of something my best friend did. I’m not going to say it was the right thing at the time, but it made me laugh. It was childish and snarky….but I’m not sorry about it.

This friend was the first person I called on DDay. Ironically, she had been an AP while married, then the BS. Her husband later passed. So, she had the life experience to walk with me through this. She was so mad for me that she created a dummy social media account and posted something snarky, yet honest about the affair….using a photo of OW, OBS, and my FWH on social media….tagging the entire triathlete community, both locally and nationally. This social media was one that OW had used, but likely didn’t check regularly. My friend left the post up 9 months. NINE. It garnered 1000’s of views.

My friend didn’t tell me about it for 9 months and quietly watched the views rack up. She came clean to me…..and after hugging her and having one of the only belly laughs I had of that terrible year…..I recognized that it probably wasn’t helpful to OW and OBS….and that they have kids who may one day find it. I didn’t want it there to hurt OBS, if they were moving forward with some success, as my FWH and I were. Unbeknownst to me they weren’t, but I was grateful for OBS sharing what he knew and that we could compare notes and validate those things that happen when you are the BS. All 4 of us had been "friends" prior to the inappropriateness. They divorced.

Thing was….my friend had posted this on OW’s photo on OW’s feed. So, OW had to remove it. I’m certain, up to that point, OW had no idea it was there. My friend’s comments on OW’s post were something along the lines of OW bragging about the A.

I told my friend that she would either need to find a way to get OW to remove it, or I would tell OW….and I really didn’t want to have anything to do with OW. My friend carefully crafted an email to OW introducing herself and confessing….that OW would have to do her part to take the offending post down. Email also detailed how my FWH had stepped way the hell up and was so very invested in treating me like the queen I am:).

I told FWH and he conceded it was fair. By then, we had told so many people it really didn’t matter to us who knew. It was/is a horribly common problem. All relationships are susceptible to infidelity. Being the BS, you’re only "fault" is that you’re in a relationship….and all relationships are susceptible. It is how you both do the hard work to heal, if that is right for you both, that makes the difference. That we had so many people rally around us, we had great therapy, and we both were willing to lean in…..made the difference for us. It was a terrible, horrible time for me. It is part of my story that I still remember daily, nearly 7 years later. That being said, I’m also seeing the benefit of the hard work we both did in so many other aspects of our lives.

Right now, I’m kinda of dealing with the fact, after all this time, that OW….well she’s not 100% evil. She’s human and she was a friend. She stopped being those things DDay. There is a special kind of grief in a double betrayal.

An A within a social circle will always cause this type of pain. Is he complaining about not being able to attend events? Imo, that would be a larger problem... pointing to a lack of accountability and remorse.

As far as people knowing and talking about it, I believe those things die down quickly. We imagine people are more focused on us than they actually are. Also, the more people that know what happened, well, perhaps the better in this particular case. Why? Because if people know what actually happened then 1) they may not speculate as much and 2) the AP will catch a share of blame for her behavior. An expressive personality like that is not always welcomed and people would have certainly caught on to her behavior in the workplace and some will already be disapproving even before they know she sexted with your husband. Other women in the workplace or other wives in the social group will likely already be on guard around her. My wife went to a work party with me many years ago and instantly took a dislike to a colleague. The colleague was not doing anything wrong imo, but she was expressive, drinking and my wife did not like the way she was interacting with me. Wife instantly on guard, lol. And I have not cheated on her btw so no reason for her to be extra alert. My guess is the AP is producing these reactions to some degree in the social group.

Did you ever inform the OBS?

Not exactly the same, but a situation of people potentially talking. I recently had to shut down a sort of friendship between my H and a woman at his gym. Apparently, they were being partnered together a lot because my H is so encouraging and supportive and they both like to compete.

When she contacted about his birthday, I told my H it was too much. I didn't want him partnering with her anymore. I'm sure people at his gym wondered why he suddenly wasn't as friendly towards this one person. Her H even appealed to my H to work with her again. My assumption is that they thought if it came from her H, it would show that there was no funny business.

People at the gym were probably talking about me, maybe saying I was psycho jealous or something. They don't know our history. They don't know that it was about my H, not this woman. I don't care what they think about me. Not my problem.

I agree with 1stwife that your H needs to find another job for your peace of mind. I know you said it's basically not financially feasible right now, but your mental health (which affects your physical health) is most important.

As far as your friends at his work, if they are still friends with the OW, they are not your friends.