SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good questions. I am sure others have ideas on exactly how, but one thing I suggest, do NOT let your wife know when or how. She very well may tip him off. Besides, doing it without her permission gives you back some agency. Will help your internal life feel like you are not a doormat, and that this offence does not go unanswered.

Regarding therapist. Sure, many therapists say they have dealt with Infidelity and Trauma....but unless they truly have been trained through CSAT, you are rolling. The dice. I have read COUNTLESS accounts of normal, well meaning therapists causing way more harm than good. Highly recommend taking a day or two to make sure to get therapist right.

I have mixed feelings on polygraph testing, but many have gotten "parking lot confessions." A WS will agree to a polygraph likely hoping the BS won't go through with it, then get as far as the parking lot of the polygraph place and spill their guts there.

For me personally it was a money thing, and my wife spilled a lot. She was pretty damned candid about it. I was able to corroborate most of her story by reading her messages with 2 of her (now ex) friends. She blabbed a lot about it with them. It all lined up.

Gr8ful referred to my story. What happened was my wife was less than forthcoming at first. She jerked me around for about a month by withholding info and insisting on remaining "just friends" with her AP. She flat out lied to my face about a couple of things. This was before I discovered this site. I eventually got into her tablet, which is synced with her phone, and saw some heartbreaking messages between her and a couple of her friends. I knew she was lying to me about a few things. I hit my limit. I started calling divorce lawyers and real estate agents right in front of her and set up some consultations. When she realized I was serious she broke down, spilled everything and begged me not to go through with it. That was about 14 months ago. She's been a model for reconciliation ever since. We're still together.

The point is, sometimes it takes some drastic steps and measures to get a WS to realize just how devastating their affair is to the marriage, the BS, and get the whole truth. You're off to a different start than I was in that she voluntarily confessed to you and I had to do a little bit of detective work and leg work to find out what was happening. My wife wasn't planning on telling me anytime soon.

If you suspect she isn't being honest with you and you go that route you don't want it to be an empty threat. You have to really mean it, so don't do it half heartedly. I was dead serious. As much as I didn't want a divorce I decided that there were worse things, and living in uncertainty and infidelity was one of them. As long as she's in contact with the AP, even "just friends" (there's no such thing once that line has been crossed) then the affair was still ongoing and under no circumstances was I willing to share my wife. If you backpedal or don't follow through without the truth you'll actually lose respect and she might walk all over you.

Now, we don't know your wife. Maybe she'll be one of those rare examples who fully "gets it" early on and tells you the whole truth. It happens. Rarely, but it happens. I think her coming to you and confessing is a good start, so there's that. Combined experience here tells us that most hold a lot back at first tho.

What you don't want is for her to run the show. You heal on your terms and at your pace. This is likely going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever experience. I'm 56 years old and it's probably the worst thing I've ever gone through. I didn't realize how painful and destructive affairs were until it landed in my lap.

Take your time in making any permanent decisions. Like we've been saying, you'll likely be on an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. How you feel now might completely change a half hour from now. It's a rough ride. I hope your wife is strapped in and up for the task if you decide to reconcile. Like I said, the timeline is typically 2 to 5 years for recovery. Don't rush things and don't try to sweep this under the rug. It will come back and bite you down the road. Sometimes years later. We've seen a few posts with titles like "spouse cheated ten (or even 20) years ago and it's killing me."

Either way hang in there. It does get better. It might take 2 to 5 years, but it does improve over that time period. I'm not "over it" at 15 months, but I'm (we're) in a much better place now. There are many aspects of our marriage that are vastly improved and we talk about everything now. In many ways we're closer now than we've ever been, but it came with a lot of conversations, work, some therapy, and patience on both of our parts.

She seems to be 100 percent in on trying to save our marriage although I have reinforced many many times that I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have been clear as I can be many many times on the importance of telling her story with all of the details included. Anything missing I will leave. She is onboard with this as well. I genuinely think I might be the rare case. But from what I am leaning from the vets is that I need it to be so lock tight that its bullet proof basically because I can easily find myself back here down the road.

In regards to therapy. We live in a small town, literally 2 female options and the closest town is too far for us to manage the time commitment on a weekly basis. I saw her and told her my story last week. She is comfortable and says she can be unbiased seeing both of us separately. This is probably a bad idea right? My wife has an appointment with her Monday to help unload and develop a timeline. She has worked with broken marriages before and has seen success.

Questions:
Bad idea same therapist?
Is it too late for her to go see this lady in town since I've already been there?
Can someone please me more about what exact type of therapist I need and where to find them?
Any other suggestions?

Time is of the essence since she really wants to get this timeline done. She is going to do a rough draft tonight/ tomorrow morning before her appointment around 2:00 tomorrow

Absolutely, I agree it needs to happen. My wife was hesitant because the AP described his wife as suicidal. Obviously her saying this triggered me.

What 2 liars tell holds little to no weight you know.

Only one thing is sure with cheaters:

They lie, lie and lie again.

Consider every lie or trickle truth as she is still cheating, because is keeping secrets from you.

How can you forgive if you don't even know what you are forgiving? As long as she lies and "manages" how much you can take without consequences, the betrayal is actual.

The other BS deserves to know.

The AP is probably bullshitting so he scares her from ever intruding into his backup comfy life (her marriage).

He likely does the same with every woman he cheats with other than your wife (always consider a cheater might have not just one, but multiple infidelity, when you can do one you can do a 100 no sweat).

She seems to be 100 percent in on trying to save our marriage although I have reinforced many many times that I am not sure what I am going to do.

Since the moment of infidelity she has no say if there will be even a single chance to save your marriage.

That is only your call, a call that you can bail out at any time, she has zero say in that because noone deserves a second chance.

It's a gift, and consider it well if she is viable for even considering it. Honesty and full disclosure are essential.

Because if you grant this chance and she is not really able to change and fix her issues, then you are exposing yourself for even more trauma (and she will cheat again).

Even if she can change and become a safe partner, you might still want to erase her from your life.
What she wants or does not want is irrelevant.

The only thing that matter is what do YOU want and feel.
Because is not going to be a walk in the park to reconcile with your abuser.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 5:10 PM, Sunday, July 12th]

As a BS, we think an IC knowledgeable in trauma is helpful. For the WS, they need someone who will hold them accountable. Can it be the same person? Maybe, I’m not sure. You can try it and see what happens, perhaps.

I used online therapy (BetterHelp) for a while and found it useful, so it might be worth exploring those options. It can help with the accessibility issues. Some just use written/text, but other do Zoom calls or phone calls, so it’s similar to in person. And you can switch therapists quite easily if there is a mismatch. My current therapist moved to another state and we do it through Zoom, and it works for us.

Here is what you need to do to find an APSATS registered speciality which have highly trained Betrayal Trauma Therapists.

Because links are not allowed, do this. Go to Google and type.

"APSATS Find a specialist"

Don't worry about location, most can meet virtually. It works very well. That is what I did.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:12 PM, Sunday, July 12th]

If you do plan on contacting AP - which I’m not sure you should do - then you’d want to talk to him first before you talk to OBS. For one, you can tell him that if he’s honest with you you won’t contact his wife (though you’ll be lying). That might get a bit more candor from him, as he’ll likely be scared shitless. For two, if you already told the OBS he’s probably going to hate you and who knows what he’ll tell you. He may taunt you. In all events, what he tells you will be the same thing he’s telling his BW, and given how common it is for WSs to lie, you can almost be certain that you’re not getting honesty.

If you decide not to talk to him, I’d probably try to call the OBS. It’d be good to be able to talk to her. She can be a great ally in this, and you and her ought to be able to compare notes. I think it’s also good not to tell your WW first, because you’ll be able to tell pretty quick if she’s still in contact with AP.

On the details of the timeline, I think more is more. Finding stuff out later - even if it’s just the gritty details or whatever - might derail your healing. If there’s stuff you think you’d rather not know like the TMI mechanics of what went down, she could put that stuff in a separate document as like footnotes. That way they’re there but you don’t have to look at them until you’re ready (if that day ever comes).

Like the other guys I’m not sure about this suicidal wife story. It might be true of course. But a lot of these co-worker affairs seem to start with people talking about their marriages. Like, he was attracted to your WW so he starts telling her how hard it is for him at home, his wife’s depressed, they’re not connecting anymore, yada yada yada. She reciprocates with how she’s so young and nervous about getting married…whatever. What I’m getting at is that affairs like these are built on fantasy. Part of that fantasy is creating this shared story they can bond over about how they’re both in these unhappy relationships, which is how they start giving themselves permission to cheat. It’s all based on lies. So her being suicidal may very well be part of that.

On therapists, just know that people switch them all the time if they’re not feeling like they’re helping.

I do think she genuinely wants to give me a full timeline and doesn't want to provide more details until she is ready.

I’m sorry, but she’s lost that right. Do NOT put HER in control of when the timeline comes out. I’m sorry but I’m highly suspicious she’s "blocked everything out" and legit cannot remember. That’s both an incredibly rare thing, and evidence of mental illness. Does that seem like your wife? Or could it be she’s like 99% of other betrayers who simply don’t want to spill the beans and grasp at any straw they can to avoid doing so, including *especially* "I forgot". No way she did.

I also don't know exactly how much detail I want. I want to know everything but maybe not pain shopping... specific things they did in bed etc..

Have her write out TWO timelines: one the PG rated version, and one with ALL of the sordid details of EVERYTHING. This way you can start with the PG version, and only later, if you need it, check out the X rated version. You need to do this now, especially as she’s claiming to not remember 🙄

Letmebefrank:

If you do plan on contacting AP - which I’m not sure you should do - then you’d want to talk to him first before you talk to OBS. For one, you can tell him that if he’s honest with you you won’t contact his wife (though you’ll be lying). That might get a bit more candor from him, as he’ll likely be scared shitless.

Absolutely DO NOT contact the AP/OM (other man). Doing so only tips him off to start filling his wife with some BS story that a madman is coming after them and if he contacts her, to refuse any communication. One way you can avoid this is to send a certified letter requiring HER signature to receive, assuming you can find their address. Give the gist of what happened (well, the little you’ve been told) and your contact info if she wants to know more, see/understand what the evidence is, etc.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 6:46 PM, Sunday, July 12th]

Im getting advice from different angles I don't know what to do.

Should I find a good therapist and have them help me? I was just at the airport and missed my flight because im so jumbled i left my bag at the restaurant and was in the incorrect terminal. Found another flight thankfully but made my feel like I'm not even living in reality for a little bit there.

Im struggling to find a male APSATS therapist even online. I'm booked with an online trama therapist on Wednesday maybe he will be good. I'm lost right now.

I also keep coming to my wife for help. Or for someone to talk to. Should i limit communication? I just don't really have anyone right now.

A therapist is a good idea, but don't stress yourself out trying to find one. Preferably someone experienced with trauma or betrayal trauma. Just try one out and if you don't feel like they're helping look for another one. Don't expect there to be a magic bullet or a cure all for how you're feeling tho. Therapists will help you sort your thoughts and feelings and hopefully give you some tools to help you cope, but there aren't really any shortcuts that will just help you feel better about what's happening. It just takes time. You don't necessarily need one RIGHT NOW, but it does help to have someone to talk to. Just try to calm down (I know, easier said than done) and take your time. You can continue posting here as well. I found these forums were hugely helpful for me.

As far as contact with your wife goes that's really just an individual thing. Some people feel like they need some distance and others don't want to be left alone. My wife and I never separated and remained pretty close the entire time in between me melting down occasionally. I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong"when it comes to that.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:03 PM, Sunday, July 12th]

You’ve had a tremendous shock and you’re basically in fight-or-flight mode. It’s literally hard to think right now - that’s how the brain works under these circumstances. Add on top of that the lack of sleep and food and your emotional distress, yeah, it’s going to be hard to think. That’s why I think posting is a good idea because it forces you to engage the thinking parts of your brain.

Don’t worry about contacting the OBS right this second, that’s not an emergency, and I actually agree that talking to the AP is not a great idea.

If talking to your WW right now is making you feel better then keep doing it. If it’s triggering you and making you feel like you can’t calm down or string two thoughts together, then get some space. This trip might help you figure out what works best for you.

I think right now you just try to breathe and know that you will survive this.

Hello, Eragorn. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

Before I get into any specific questions you've asked, I'm going to share with you a few things about surviving infidelity that I believe are very important to understand.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It took me about ten months just to recover from the shock of it all. Healing from the trauma took a few years. So, hold on to your hat, brother. This shit is going to get a lot worse before it starts to get easier.

Most of us want to get through this as quickly as possible and return to some semblance of normalcy. We tend to put tremendous pressure upon ourselves because of it. Unfortunately, recovery and healing takes time. Lots of time.

If you choose to offer your WW (wayward wife) the GIFT of reconciliation, understand two things. First, the bulk of the work falls squarely on the shoulders of the wayward spouse. Second, reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

If you haven't already done so, read the threads pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum.

The Healing Library's "Articles" section contains a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. You'll find a link in the pull-down menu at the top of the page. Many of these essays will help you to get started on your journey of recovery and healing.

This time-line your wife is putting together may not be complete. So long as she tries her best to provide a well thought-out and honest frame work, it will give you something to work with when you have questions.

I asked my ex-wife a gazillion questions, often repeating the same questions multiple times in different ways. Deciding what you want to know is entirely up to you. One day you might decide that you have the answers you need only to find yourself wanting more info, or clarifications, later on. That's a perfectly normal part of the process.

So long as your wife is willing to be open and honest about everything, to have the courage to be vulnerable with you, reconciliation might be possible.

One of my rules in life is that I can handle the truth no matter how hard it hurts, but to try to comfort me with lies destroys trust and respect.

SI is a wonderful community. It saved my sanity and taught me more about myself than anything else. Just know that our members are an extremely diverse group with a wide range of opinions, beliefs, experiences and dispositions.

Take what works for you and leave the rest.

***

When I informed the OBS (other betrayed spouse), I sent her a letter by registered mail, detailing everything I knew and how I knew it all. I included my name and contact information. I did not tell my ex-wife until after I received replies from the OBS. The OBS and I exchanged a few emails and that was the end of it.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:09 PM, Sunday, July 12th]

This place has been great for me. Right now the wound is very fresh but I want to reconcile. I just don't know if it's worth it. I don't think I've seen one success story where the male was betrayed.

I do not want to come off as offensive. This is an honest question. Is the reason I haven't found any success stories is because this is a community of the most hurt people who are still struggling? Allot of the success stories are not posting here?

I just would hate to waste 12 years of my life to just end up getting a D wether it's another betrayal or I just never recover. I have one child and another on the way. I have no local family and one friend near by and refuse to move away if I proceed with D.

I have successfully reconciled. But there were some mitigating circumstances with the details. My wife did not have sex with the person. I think details matter....at least they do to me. The details each communicate a disrespect....a disregard ....a relational wound.

It has been just over two years and we are doing well. It took lots and lots of work and God's grace.

Hey, don't worry if your Betrayal Therapist is a woman. Mine was a woman and I feel it really worked out well. It actually sort of helped IMO...showing me that a woman thought what my wife did was wrong and provided the tools and support I needed to grieve and heal.

I do not want to come off as offensive. This is an honest question. Is the reason I haven't found any success stories is because this is a community of the most hurt people who are still struggling? Allot of the success stories are not posting here?

There are some who have found success in reconciling. I think a lot of folks who get sorted stop posting, but we do have a few here who stayed together and are making it work. I'm hoping to be one of those. Despite her betrayal my wife has been pretty amazing and I'm finding myself to be a lot more resilient (and forgiving) than I realized. I trust her again now, and I didn't think I ever would. It doesn't hurt that she's been busting her ass to prove that she can be a safe partner again. We had some extenuating circumstances and she's a pretty unique human being.

Not gonna lie tho, it ain't easy. It really depends on how your wife carries her end of the load, and you figuring out if this is a deal breaker for you. Some just can't get past it. It's going to take some time for you to figure things out, but I don't think it's going to take 12 years. You finding this place, receiving good feedback and taking action is a solid start.

I know how you're feeling right now man. I really do. Most of us do. You don't need to make your mind up tonight, or even next week. Give yourself a little time and grace. You will get through this. FWIW, from the sounds of things your wife is reacting better than most. I don't see your case as hopeless, but time will tell.

Here’s a positive reconciliation story: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=666942&HL=54486
Here’s another: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667019/11-years-later/

They definitely exist.

But just to be fair, here’s one that doesn’t look like a success: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667145/looking-for-help-to-just-feel-better/

I do suspect that many people who successfully reconcile don’t come here a lot to avoid triggering. Just a guess though.

...I want to reconcile. I just don't know if it's worth it.

That's very common and a question you won't be able to answer any time soon. Give yourself time to find out. Revisit the question in six months, or a year. I can tell you that fighting to preserve your family is extremely honorable. One toddler and another child on the way isn't easy to walk away from. My son was barely 4yo on d-day and while I might have divorced right away (and came very close), staying for his sake and giving R a try is something that I absolutely do NOT regret. Not even a little.

...I haven't found any success stories...

This site was founded by a WW & BH who reconciled and shared a good life together. They have been a tremendous inspiration to thousands of members.

Pinned to the top of the Reconciliation forum is a thread about successful R stories. It's extremely long.

Most of the people who join SI eventually leave. They'll stick around long enough to get what they want or need and then move on. Just take a look at your member number: 87566. That's not random. That's a count.

Whether you ultimately R or D, the journey is never a waste of time.