SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So don’t tell her.
If you don’t plan on reconciling then I guess the only obligation to tell the OMW is a moral one. Morals are individual based and you are perfectly allowed to think not telling his wife is fine. But don’t expect your former girlfriend to do so. That’s just cruel to the wife.

Okay, I’m not sure if reconciliation is possible but I’m not sure… at this point, today anyway it seems unlikely. But if I see her tomorrow she could have me wrapped around her finger in a second.

I understand the other BS deserves to know.
And I will tell her one way or another.

I understand it might seem cruel to have my girlfriend be the one to tell her.

But if I ask her to do it, she would have to make a choice of who’s she’s going protect, only herself, her affair partner or our relationship.

Otherwise, if I just tell the other woman then my girlfriend has zero consequences for her actions.

IF you two were to attempt reconciliation there are certain things that our collective experience here suggest are near-necessary to have a chance at success:

Total accountable NC with OM.
That can’t be done while they work together or even for the same company. Either he or she needs to leave. Seeing as how he’s her boss then reporting him to HR might get him removed, or it might enable her to be relocated. Her getting fired is very unlikely (unless both are fired) because she has a classic strong case for wrongful dismissal and manager-pressure.
But as long as she’s going to the same building he’s at, same conferences, same trips… you don’t have much chance at reconciling.

Everybody in the know.
If OM thinks the only issue is that you know, it won’t prevent him hitting on her at the next conference, at the next budget meeting or at lunch or whenever. If the OM is concerned that his wife learning about it will be the last straw initiating the divorce, or that his next interaction with HR won’t be a friendly warning about keeping his schnauzer in his pants… it provides HIM with initiative to end the affair.
That would require both his wife, as well as his boss, to know about the affair.

In fact – it might be necessary for your GF to notify HR about the affair, since that would in turn help protect her from wrongful dismissal. If not then there is a strong chance that your GF get’s a negative performance review and is culled in the next "sorry – organizational changes" at her place of work.

I understand completely that you want some type of consequence for the cheaters.

But to flip it around, your cheater may minimize the full truth to the other betrayed spouse. In that scenario everyone loses.

The cheaters will minimize anything they can.

The betrayed partners/spouses don’t learn the full truth or get a watered down version of the affair.

The other betrayed spouse may reconcile under false information and make other decisions while being in the dark.

I’m not saying any betrayed spouse or partner gets the full story. I’d wager most don’t. But IMO it’s better to have as much info as possible than 50% of a watered down version of the affair.

And believe me, after awhile consequences to the cheaters becomes less important. Though I have to say that since the OW is now married, I do hope her husband cheats on her

I ain’t perfect. I’m human.

I really don’t — especially if she has children. It’s not fair to the innocent people in that situation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:00 PM, Friday, August 28th]

Part of your questioning I think should be around how you know she really wants to be with you.

I bet the answers to the questions what did she open her eyes to, and what was she delusional about are:

* she learned that AP is a bad guy. She told him that you found out and his reaction was not one of kindness or support. He probably jettisoned her to try to save his own ass.

* she was being delusional about their relationship. She realized that he was just using her for sex, and that there was no real love there.

So I’m curious as to whether she dumped him or vice versa. And I’d be curious as to whether you’re her plan b or not.

As I said before, ask her to research, put together and present to you a written plan on how she intends to rebuild your relationship and help you heal. Tell her if she's not willing or interested in doing this then it tells you your marriage is over and you will proceed accordingly with legally ending what her choices have already destroyed.

If she says she will do it, tell her you will give her a head start by requiring the first two items be that she get into weekly therapy with an infidelity specialist.

And secondly she tell you her plan to get her affair partner out of your lives completely and forever. That includes getting a new job and never seeing him again at any conference or event he may be at.

Tell her until those two things are accomplished there is no way to even start rebuilding a life together.

Take her up on her offer to live back at the house for now. Sell all furniture that she and the AP may have compromised on Facebook marketplace. Get rid of it all and replace it with new stuff, and arrange it differently to make it your own for now.

Tell her, no matter what happens between you, you will jointly sell the house and if you someday reconcile you can find a new one with a fresh start.

Yes it's good to confront her with the above. Let her know if she's in any contact with him, there is no you and her.

I'm sorry for your pain.

My friend, I am NOT an advocate of reconciliation. Quite the opposite. I think when you've seen behaviors like this....you've seen what this person REALLY IS or what they have become. Your wife has gone down a path in life where she's allowing the worst in her to come out, and that sounds like a careerist. Someone who is putting her career and that includes the boss who can help her, instead of you and your marriage. The career is exciting and interesting and all about the great ME, and the boss enhances that, he's powerful and can help her advance and makes her feel so top of the world, and you can't compete with this. She'll try to make it sound like she's building something for the two of you, but that's just self serving bullshit. Realistically, and I am ALWAYS a realist....you can't compete with this drug. What you are seeing now are her values, her behavior reflects her values and morals. She may try to lie about this at some point and try to say he pressured her or seduced her or some bullshit like that but the reality is....THESE ARE HER MORALS AND VALUES IN REAL BEHAVIOR AND REAL TIME. Not just whatever crap she professes publicly or in front of other people.....this is the real thing. Do you want to be with someone with these values and this behavior? Do you want to be with someone who treats you and your marriage like this? Do you want to be with someone who values themselves and their "career" and the boss who can help her and pumps her up over loyal, loving YOU? DO you want to keep sacrificing for this and finding excuses for her? NO YOU SHOULD NOT. You need to stop making excuses for her, and stop saying that you understand this vile behavior or how she worked so hard for this....yeah, she's working hard under HIM to get ahead. I've seen this several times in my life and these are the values and morals that some people have. She's doing what she can for HERSELF....not for you, not for the marriage. And this eventually comes out in other areas of life too because....THIS IS WHO THEY ARE AT THE HEART OF IT.

As sad and devastating as this is, she has made the decision that her career and this relationship give her more than you can. She's a user. Maybe she wasn't always like this, but given an opportunity....this is part of who she is - it's what she chooses. That's the reality. And if you keep kissing her ass, you just degrade yourself and she will keep doing this. Even if she stopped it temporarily, she will start back up again or maybe she'll go on to a new job and a new boss....BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A RARE OPPORTUNITY SEE WHAT THIS WOMAN IS REALLY LIKE.

And even if she gave all this up (she won't) would you really trust her again or love her like before? No, you won't. Most people don't and you are not going to be an exception. THIS IS WHO SHE IS. Will you love or want her like this? That's up to you but this is what you've got and it's not gonna change. You have to decide what you want for your life and your partnership.
If you decide to stay, recognize that this IS what she is like. I cannot emphasize that enough. This is not an anomaly, you actually ARE seeing a deep part of who she is, what she wants, and what she values. This IS real and it's not temporary.
This is a moral decision she has made that benefits herself and I say....this woman has always put herself first and you've probably kept your eyes closed and tried to see the best in her or the situation and STOP DOING THIS! Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself to be disrespected. Allow yourself to say I'm not putting up with this, I want a better woman who feels and values me and the things I do. Because THAT'S what you should do. If you decide to stay, for whatever reasons.....recognize this is what you have. And this is what you'll keep. Even if the situation changed...she won't, and you WILL remember. It's just goes underground.

I would recommend you see a lawyer, start working your way out of this relationship for whatever legal ties you may have, give up this pretense of recon or whatever bullshit people imagine this could be, and accept the reality that she went down the wrong path voluntary and it's where she wants to go. Don't make yourself LESS. Don't accept disrespect or bad treatment. Don't make yourself Number 2 in anyone's life. Just exit stage left....most of the time, it is, alas, the best answer. Don't worry about her bullshit any more, don't obsess over it, don't try to get her out of it, don't worry about her feelings, stop mourning the past or what it was or what you think of her....YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE - YES YOU CAN. Unless you're 80 in a wheelchair, you can find someone else who will treat you better and that should be your goal. Live your life with pride and make your planned exit. Get an STD test and go to a lawyer, start any processes you need to. And keep going because...she's full of shit, and IMO, that doesn't empty out completely. It just fills up again. YOU DESERVE BETTER - MAKE IT BETTER!!!

You want to give her a measurable penalty? Have her file a sexual misconduct claim with her HR. They’re probably both getting fired anyways. That solves you needing a sign and also takes care of no contact.

Hurting Friend, this has gone on for A YEAR.
A year worth of lies and tremendous deception. A year worth of having sex with her boss. A year where you were the unsuspecting, safe guy at home.

If she can wrap you around your finger still, then there is a big problem with your self respect.

By definition, if you're behave been loyal and faithful to her you ARE OF TREMENDOUS value. Hold your head high and play the man. Tell the bosses wife ASAP, without telling your wayward.

Show them all that you are not a man to be walked on with no answer. Answer the call. Believe me, it will boost your own confidence 10 fold. 💪