SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years. We have both a newborn and a young child.

3 months ago - At 7 months pregnant - I happened upon a heart wrenching conversation via FB messenger with his female coworker. I was completely shocked and utterly heartbroken by the content. I didnt know what to do. My nature isn't to jump to conclusions, so I stayed silent till I had time to really think it through. After a few days of reflection, I decided instead of confronting him, I was going to take time to understand the severity of the situation. I've since (shamefully? I dunno, I question if I should be doing this) check his messages constantly. So far, it doesn’t seem to have gotten physical, but the flirting, suggestive jokes, and emotional connection between them are undeniable. He deletes messages methodically, but I see them without him knowing. He knows that boundaries are being crossed. Still, on the surface, he’s affectionate, helpful around the house, and keeps up our sex life. It’s so confusing. I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to reconcile these two versions of him.

And even after all this, I still love him. It sickens me, but how does one just stop their emotional connection with someone after being together for nearly half of their life.
I cannot tell close family or friends. I do not want them to hate him because I dont hate him. I can't hate the father of my children; the person I have dedicated so much of my life to, despite the clear lack of respect to myself and our marriage on his part.

I know he loves me. He loves me for my emotional, physical, financial support. I keep house, I am the mother to his kids, I am his support system. I know I am still his best friend. But, I'm no longer exciting to him. This coworker is exciting; she sparks the flame that I don't anymore.

Right now, I’m too scared to confront him. He can have a temper at times, and could turn this on me (ie, why would I check his messages, thats private, how dare I invade his privacy, etc).
Am I really scared of his reaction of confronting given the evidence I already have? Or, am I scared that I have to face what could be the demise of our 15+ year relationship? That's the question. I’ve been quietly collecting what I can, hoping for something undeniable - something so grandiose he cant argue. But I keep wondering if I am just dragging out the inevitable? Is it worth waiting for more "proof," or am I just hurting myself by staying silent? I keep telling myself once I see that "undeniable text" or have proof he physically cheated, then I'll be strong enough to confront him.

I’d really appreciate any insight. I feel completely alone.

Your reaction is perfectly normal. No one wants to believe what they discover. Everyone wants to erase the bad news and go back to normal.

You skated over something that sounds scary…his temper. If you think he might harm you then plan on leaving with the kids when he is away from home.

I hope you are looking after your health. It, and your children, come first.

Others will be along to give you comfort and suggestions. In the meantime you need to be proactive. Consult an attorney to see what will happen if you two separate. See a doctor if you are suffering from anxiety.

Hi I wanted to send love and hugs, im going through something very similar to you and in the same situation and feel exactly the same. I hope you are ok you will get good support on here xxx

You have to know that most cheaters don’t cheat because they hate their spouse. While some cheaters will complain about their spouse, the spouse is not the reason people cheat.

He cheats because of the thrill of the affair. Someone else notices him. She’s interested. It’s all new and exciting!

It’s something the cheater thinks he can get away with.

But it has nothing to do with you. I think betrayed people have to stop thinking if he/she really loved me then there would be no cheating.

And IMO your spouse has already crossed a boundary and devoted time to another woman. The sexual innuendo is crossing the line too. And it’s all hidden and sneaky and your proof is he deletes the messages. Because he knows it’s wrong.